26 August 2004
Bizarro is in Germany, Stewy is in England, Random is in England, Mad German is in Germany... South Australian Sand-Baggers? Bloody hell, it's more like anywhere but South Australian Sand-Baggers!
Of those left here in SA, Quang: Pottery Classes, Commitment 101, whatever; Megan: working her ass off - workaholic!; Boz: Climbed once and decided it was too much like hard work; Jackie: Off doing something with sheep and trucks.
Maybe it should be South Australian Bushfire Lighters!
Out of all that, Tom, Mark, Matt and Adam climbed.
So, what did we get up to? Well, Harvey is starting to worry me a little. Last night he confessed that his favourite scene from the TV show King Of The Hill (I think only Americans find it funny) was when the main character - don't know his name and couldn't be arsed doing a Google search - had all of his clothes ripped off by a tornado and then decided to ram a cactus against his privates! Hmmm something wrong with that boy. Naked cartoon characters...
Bizarre? Well that's not all dear
reader, next he began to consider the benefits of climbing shoes made from
cheese 
- don't ask, I have no idea where
this came from. Apparently blue-vein would be a good choice, but so would
camembert due to its stickiness.
I was also enthralled to hear the
story of how Matt was nearly eaten by a mountain lion - The details are a little
sketchy, (let's face it, I was just waiting for Harvey to stop talking so I
could talk about me 
) but it seems that when he
was in - errrr what's the name for Outback USA?? - the woods
he heard a mountain lion roaring
nearby, so being the hero that he quite plainly is, Matt backed up against a
tree and looked around for a rock to throw. Now, being in an area known for its
ROCK climbing you would think there would be plenty of small rocks lying around
that had broken off over time, nope, not one rock came to to the hand of our now
desperate Harvey Wallbanger. As he nonchalantly weighed up his options he
absently wondered about how threatening a handful of pine needles might look to
his unwelcome dinner companion. "Wait a minute! My ice axe!" remembered the
cool, calm and collected hero of our story. Feeling around in his pack he cursed
his earlier decision to tie the ice axe securely into the pack to stop it from
falling out at an inopportune moment - with the relaxed certainty of a man who
was confident in his ability to face this challenge from the wilds, Matt the
Mountain Man worked to free his weapon. After a short delay Matt freed the ice
axe and crouched with his back firmly against a tree, ready to fight to the
death if that was what fate decreed, and waited a while until he was certain it
was safe to casually make his way back to safety, grateful that he had not been
forced to kill one of God's magnificent creatures.
Of course, no story should be told without giving both sides a fair airing.
Once upon a time, Fluffy the Friendliest Mountain Lion in the whole world was walking through the woods. It was a lovely day and Fluffy was enjoying the fresh mountain air as she walked through the pine trees. The sweet smell of pine was strong in the air and butterflies flitted in and out of the long shadows that were being cast by the lovely orange glow of the setting sun as it shone through the trees. Suddenly, Fluffy felt a searing pain shoot through her foot as she stepped on a thorn. Letting out a loud roar she sat down to remove the offending object. As she sat there licking her foot Fluffy's attention was taken by a strange whimpering sobbing sound.
Peering through the trees she saw one of those brightly coloured monkeys that often tried to climb the rocks in the area; it was making a funny backwards shuffling movement while it frantically searched the ground for some object that it must have dropped. Interestingly, the monkey did not look down for whatever it was looking for, rather it kept its astoundingly wide eyes moving from side to side as it looked around wildly. As the monkey backed up to a tree, Fluffy watched as it picked up some pine needles. A few seconds later, the monkey dropped the pine needles and a dark colouration appeared on the front of it just in between its legs. The monkey sat down and whimpered some more and then seemed to remember that what it was looking for was in the strange pouch on his back. Cackling madly, the monkey became excited and started to thrash it's pouch around making a sound like "ohpleasemommyohpleasemommyohpleasemommy." Finally, the monkey got what it was looking for, a funny shiny thing that must have been very important because he then sat hugging the funny shiny thing.
At that moment, the wind changed direction and Fluffy caught the most interesting scent: It was a rather unpleasant mixture of monkey droppings, urine and fear. Strange little monkeys thought Fluffy as she got up and tested her foot. It was okay, the distraction from the monkey had helped her forget all about the thorn. Casting one more glance in the direction of the monkey Fluffy noted that it still hugged the shiny thing and continued to look around in every direction with eyes as big as the moon and headed off into the woods where she was not as likely to be bothered by crazy monkeys.
Several hours later Fluffy awoke to the sounds of the monkey crashing through the undergrowth at an amazingly fast pace still making the same "ohpleasemommyohpleasemommyohpleasemommy" noises as it disappeared into the night.
Back to Climbing Thursday night...
Adam sent Matt up a grade 22
route to warm up (
tee
hee). "No, it's easy Matt, there's no way it is a real 22, you'll do it easy!"
Mark was not dumb enough to fall for that one, he just climbed what he wanted and paid no attention to me at all. (experienced in the ways of the sand-bag is he)
Tom arrived and made a grand attempt at climbing the new 23 aręte route that has rejected a number of climbers. It seems that actually finding the holds may have contributed to him missing the onsight.
Mark talked Gimp into doing a couple of leads of the roof, and Harvey tried what I think may have been his first big roof, in attempting to second the route before finding out just how pumpy a roof can be. Although I am not sure what stopped him, the physical demands of the roof or the thought of me belaying him with an ATC (he prefers gri-gris).
tom tried the 23
Oh, Mark also admitted that he will try anything once, except homosexuality, which he tried twice, just to make sure it wasn't for him.
Now, with Megan not climbing tonight and the distance to Hawkers being so great, we decided to get take-away from Wok-In-A-Box, buy some beer and head back to the Little Feral's den. Unfortunately for us, she was asleep when we got there, so once Tom let us in, the four of us had to be content with sitting in the dining room without her sparkling company, eating and drinking beer. After a couple of beers we thought it might be a good idea to go and jump into bed with the sleeping Meg, but seeing the look of utter terror in the eyes of Gump, we decided against it. Little Feral had had a biiig day! Which brings us back to the theme for tonight...
A one, a two, a one, two, three!
In the jungle, the quiet jungle,
the feral sleeps tonight.
19 August 2004
Last week I forgot to mention the Gonads Galore incident. While climbing a route suggested by Mike (who had struggled on it) I was nearing the top (clean) when Mike decided that the only way to stop me from proving that I am a far better climber than him would be to make me fall off. Within seconds I found myself being bombarded by everyone's gonads (chalk-balls for the uninitiated). Not one, or two, but dozens of the buggers! It was Gonads Galore just whacking me all over, head, back bum, you name it! I felt like Linda Lovelace in Debbie Does Dallas! Within seconds I had white splodges all over me! Unfortunately for Tim, I caught his gonad and it found itself perched up on one of the lights and he had to climb up and traverse to fetch it. Oh well, I guess that being the imp I should expect that sort of treatment from time to time.
This week Bizarro and I had some fun making more new routes and then sending others up them. We came up with a beauty this week too! I have to say that the best routes at the gym have all been put up by the Bizarro/Gimp Team. What CHAMPIONS!
Well done to Mark, he climbed a nice 17 tonight, showing that he is improving again now that he is back out climbing. Oh and if you want any advice on prospective employment selection, Mark is the man to see; I have never seen one man pick up so many jobs that he just ABSOLUTELY LOVES! Next time I am looking for employment I am going to the Mark Hutton Employment service.
Kristy and Harvey Climbed tonight, but I don't know what they climbed because apparently we are not good enough to socialise with. They left without even saying goodbye! Must have been a better offer going.
No Meg and Tom this week, but you can't really go the Bushfire Lighter claim as they were preparing for Tom's 12 hour mountain bike marathon on Friday night - Good luck Tom!
Gimp had some fun tonight leading a nice 19 and then 20 on the overhanging wall, as well as climbing an interesting yet hard to grade route which uses primarily long narrow horizontal holds; it is an interesting problem that makes you think a little (crux for me).
As I sat down to my Kuay Teow at hawkers I was confronted by Bizarro grinning madly like the Cheshire Cat:
"Hope you enjoy your dinner, it's going to be a warm one!"
The next morning as I awoke to the unmistakeable urgent stomach pains that promised unimaginable pain and suffering I ran to the freezer to get the roll of toilet paper out that I had placed there the night before and vowed to exact my revenge... you will pay Bizarro, mark my words, you will pay MuaHAHAHAHAHAA!
12 August 2004
What an absolute load of Bushfire lighters! Only Mark, Matt and Adam out climbing tonight! Not much happened, so instead I will tell you a little story...
Evolution, Survival of the Fittest
It is a commonly noted phenomenon that while climbing we tend to feel "at one" with the rock, being only aware of our movement over the rock, the texture of it, simply enjoying the beauty of the simple act of climbing to the exclusion of all else. In this moment of "Zen" we feel truly a part of nature, in harmony with the world. In times like these the hassles of our lives seems to dissolve into nothing and the real world seems to come into focus with a clarity that can be startling. For a few fleeting moments, the foggy veil seems to be lifted from our eyes and we are able to truly appreciate nature in all her splendour.
Sometimes, in those fleeting moments of beauty, our attention is drawn to the absolute wonder of our surroundings, when we find ourselves marvelling at some of the amazing creatures that share this planet with us.
On one such occasion, as I found myself consumed by the rock, climbing through the moves leading to the crux of a climb, with everything seeming to flow like magic, my attention was caught by a small beautifully coloured painted dragon as it climbed effortlessly up a blank section of rock.
Captivated by the wonder of such a creature, I pondered the amazing gift that nature has bestowed upon my little companion, microscopic hairs on the base of its toes all grabbing onto minute features like super glue. Amazing that evolution could come up with such an ingenious method for climbing. It appeared also that my presence had drawn the attention of the lizard; It paused as if confused at the large ungainly looking creature who had dared to trespass on his territory, and I wondered if he too was considering what evolutionary adaptations had allowed me to enter this vertical world. Perhaps he wondered what enabled such a large ungainly creature to move with confidence up there while I simultaneously felt more than just a little envious of his "sticky" toes that made his climb so easy, and so I decided to communicate to him just what it was that allowed me to climb where he did, and what it was that made me feel safe where I should not, for I had a well-developed brain and had the forethought to consider the consequences of falling and so I shouted "A Rope!" as I flicked the little smart-arse off the wall and into the void.
5 August 2004
Want to know the best way to bring out the freaks? Bring your wife along to meet your new climbing buddies and to also have a climb! Poor Matt. He must have been wondering just what the heck got into him to want to bring Kristy. Additionally, there was no “who’s your daddy” from Matt tonight – nothing like your wife being there to stop the dirty talk!
You know for such a quiet little bloke Andy has the knack for coming out with some gems. Tonight, after assisting me in the construction of a rather nasty little grade 23 and then a tricky 21/22, he noted how amazingly pumped his forearms were and how it would be virtually impossible to milk a cow… err is that what you call it Andy? To clarify, he added that he wouldn’t be able to hold the toothbrush before going to bed, so it was suggested that he push the handle into a pot plant and brush his teeth “deep-throat” style. I hope Anke didn’t catch him!
Last to arrive tonight was the Little Feral, she had to get de-Bobbed; apparently a family of possums had set up home in her hair.
We are also trying out a new nickname for Mark due to his preference for seconding – Gerbil. Once you have sent up the Gimp, it’s time to try the Gerbil
Boz – what can I say? After climbing last week he was a Bushfire lighter this week.
While on the subject of Bushfire lighters, we have worked out what Quang is REALLY studying – After giving it some consideration we realised that he couldn’t possibly be studying anything to do with computers at TAFE, he already knows all there is to know! The one area he does need help though - Commitment 101 – Come on Quang, it’s easy! Angela, will you mmmmmmm… Will you mmmmmm… Will you mmmove so I can see the TV? Oh well, keep practising! Don’t worry Quang, you’re not the only one to have a hard time with this course, Stewy failed it too!
Now, this last one is a little disconcerting... how to describe the situation? Errr, well, ummm, okay, here goes.
Tom and Meg had gone to his parents for dinner and Tom had a shower while dinner was cooking. Later while chatting with his Mum and Meg he casually remarked... No, I'm sorry, I just can't write it, if you want to know what was said, you will have to let me know on Spank The Gimp - if I get enough requests I will post it, but I am having trouble even thinking about it, okay it's HERE