Thursday 22 April 2004

Okay, I don’t know what it is, but this lot always seem to be able to get themselves into trouble. I don’t even have to encourage them, they just seem to have a knack for getting themselves into trouble!

 

Last night Megan was talking to me about why she didn’t think she would be able to climb very well; apparently her back was giving her a lot of trouble and she was expecting it to prevent her from being able to perform at her best. Not being happy with just giving me that information Megan then volunteered the reason for this lower back pain, I’ll leave it to Meg to explain it to you…

 

“My bum really needed a pounding, so I got on to the ‘Grinder’ and just went really hard. But now I am so sore.” Yes, well I’m not surprised.

 

Megan was having a bit of a “Me moment” as Tom (apparently aka “The Grinder”) described it. She had just climbed a personal best grade at the gym, getting up a grade 16 onsight and was really pleased with herself about this. I guess she just got caught up in the moment because for the next 10 minutes all I heard was how and why she was sore this week. I even got shown the bruises on her leg from the mountain bike ride. Now, this may come as a bit of a surprise to poor Meg, but I have decided that this deserves an awarding of the Nailclipper.

 

Fresh from her achievement and feeling proud of herself for getting up the 16 (and I must say rightfully so – it was a great effort) Meg went to the counter to buy a drink and came back a little deflated. Yes, she really is becoming a better climber, but as the guys behind the desk pointed out, there are still some things that need ironing out: Megan had the leg-loops of her harness twisted and on the wrong legs. NO wonder she was able to get herself into those positions to get the footholds! Her left leg was where her right was supposed to be and vice-versa!

 

Meanwhile, The Grinder and Bizarro were showing that they are really not that far off from being able to regularly get up climbs in the mid-20’s. Working on a tricky grade 24 route, both Tom and Andy got to the 2/3 mark of what is a difficult climb for the grade! The point at which they both stopped is a very hard move, and I have a suspicion that it’s harder than a 24 move.

 

Tom and myself have set ourselves the goal of leading Kachoong (21), a very exposed and spectacular roof climb at Arapiles and have therefore decided to start preparing for the attempt. As Kachoong is a roof climb on TRAD lead, and we are big CHICKENS Gump and I don’t want to have to contend with the thought of falling, so an on-sight ascent is the only option. This means that

 

STOP PRESS STOP PRESS STOP PRESS STOP PRESS STOP PRESS STOP PRESS

This news just in: Text message from Andy (Bizarro): 

“MY ARSE IS EXPERIENCING A DISCO INFERNO”

 

More on that later, back to our regular broadcast

This means that we need to be able to confidently lead-climb roof routes and have plenty of endurance to cover any route finding problems and gear placement situations that may arise. With this in mind we have decided to practise by leading the roof at the gym A LOT, so off we went to hang upside-down. While we waited for the roof to be free we did a bit of bouldering, and I think that some of the kiddies may be hooked. Sideshow Bob looked like she was having a lot of fun trying to work her way along a tricky little red tag problem, and Tom and Andy also got stuck into it, making some really technical moves right away, if not for being fairly pumped, I’m sure Andy would have flashed the red tag problem, but lactic acid can be a killer when bouldering, can’t it Bizarro?

 

Gimp hang-dogged his way up the green lead climb (about grade 18), putting a bit of friction into the system in the process clipping an off route quickdraw in the heat of the moment. Not my best ascent, but I’ll claim it anyway.

 

Tom followed, and made it further along the roof than he ever has before. A good effort Gump, lead-climbing roof routes is pumpy, scary and technical, it’s not something you can just muscle or reach your way through. A lot of good climbers back off at the thought of a roof!

 

Now, I know you all climbed well last night, Meg on the 16, Tom on the 24 and roof, Andy on the 24 and red tag boulder prob, but the best climbing of the night has to go to Jason. He completed his first indoor route today, an onsight of a grade 5 slabby route that was pretty tiring! Jason also got higher than he ever has before on a grade 8 route that has some really technical moves for a little guy. Well done Jack! Jason is not new to climbing, he has climbed grade 8 outdoors, but the climbs in gyms tend to be a little more sustained and have fewer options for short people than do outdoor climbs, so this was a good effort!

 

Just before leaving I called Hawkers Corner to order our Kuay Teows , 1 Pork regular, 1 Pork extra hot, 2 combination extra hot and one Veg extra hot.

 

Arriving at Hawkers we found both our dinner and Boz waiting for us. Both Andy and I see Boz on a regular basis, but it was good to see him out with the climbing group again. As one of the founding members of our group (along with Andy), it will be great when he is able to hit the rock once more. I can’t say that our experience of the Kuay Teows was as well received though. Oh, sure we were happy to see them waiting on the table for us, but three mouthfuls in (and with the lady that runs the drinks bar gone home) we were all thinking that maybe we should have bought more drinks! HOLY RING OF FIRE BATMAN THIS IS GONNA HURT IN THE MORNING!!!

Quotes regarding the Kuay Teows:

“This is taking a bit of work.” - Tom

“I can’t feel my lips!” – Megan

 “I can’t feel your lips either.” Adam

“Idiot.” – Everyone else

“When that first coffee hits the tummy tomorrow, look out!” – Andy

“Sucked in, mines tastes fine.” – Boz and Jason (ordered regular)

SMS reply from Adam about an hour after receiving the “stop press” message from Andy this morning:

“IT BURNS! IT BURNS! OH THE HUMANITY!”

 

One last point of business. Every Thursday, Tom Livingston Seagull tries to steal a prawn from my plate, but I am always too quick for him. NO-ONE steals my prawns! I am too fast for everyone, oh yes I am master of my plate and you are .......... oh shit! Megan nonchalantly picked up her fork and with the speed of a bolt of lightning had stolen one of my prawns!! Pretty fast Meg, I have to give you credit for that. It was a well planned attack too! Waiting until I had just picked up one of my prawns, and knowing that my eyes would be darting from my plate to Tom in readiness for an attack, Megan pounced like a Leopard, seizing one of my poor unsuspecting prawns and holding it up like a trophy to receive the applause from the stunned onlookers! Well done Sideshow Bob it was a performance that will live in infamy, but know this: You are on the list now, and I doubt that you will ever succeed again!

Bushfire Lighters this week: Stewy and Quang. "Oh I am soo busy!"

Fallen off the face of the Earth: Mark, Ivor, Jess, Andrew, 'Liv.

Gimp's Log 15 April 2004 2230hrs

YAY!!! Went climbing tonight! Was so excited I bought a monthly membership at the gym!

Once I calmed down and got over the excitement of being able to do any form of climbing, I then realised that a lot of the people I climb with are Only one other person was out climbing, Tom. When I called him to ask if he was climbing he said "Okay." Very reminiscent of "Gimp told me to come climbing, so I did." Good ol' Gump saved the day.

And what a no-nonsense kind of guy Gump is! We climbed like there was no tomorrow! I got twelve climbs in and Gump was not far behind! But I guess if people were interested in knowing what went on, THEY WOULD BLOODY WELL COME CLIMBING, instead of poncing around worrying about their studies! How many times have I taken a couple of hours off the night before an assignment was due to go climbing? I mean seriously folks, what's more important?

That is all.

Gimp's Log 14 April 2004 - 1746hrs

No climbing for 11 days....... The Gimp is going stir crazy!!

Had a nice time over Easter, visiting family etc. and thinking about all those people who were over at Arapiles climbing.

I HAVE GOT TO GO CLIMBING OR I AM GOING TO BURST!!!!! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE

Saturday April 3 2004

Quang Lead Climbed Shewoodenduit!!

After taking a few drops from the crux move, including one particularly good one onto Tom from a height of about 2.5m in which they both ended up on the ground amongst the rocks that make falling from Shewoodenduit such a serious proposition. After attempting the start of the climb (crux) numerous times unprotected, Quang eventually decided to send up the Gimp to place a piece of gear so that the start would be protected. After resting for a while, during which Tom successfully led the route, Quang returned to give it another go. Failing another two times, Quang was close to giving in when he decided to have one more go. You know how the story goes kiddies, it was then, when things looked like they were not going to go Quang's way that he stuck the crucial right handed throw, and blasted up through the start moves. once on the wall, Quang was immediately struck by the fact the route is fairly exposed, and he had not taken any gear with him, having instead to rely on the gear Tom had left. At one point it looked as though Quang was having second thoughts due to the runout through the roof and his fatigue, but he soon found out that descent was not an option as I informed him that there was no way I was going to lower him now that he'd gone that far. Needless to say, Quang finished the route, and settled a three year-old score with his nemesis, Shewoodenduit (18).

Congratulations Quang!

While on the subject of Shewoodenduit, I must say that 18 is a very unfair grading for that route. I am sure that a crucial hold has come off from the start, making it technically much harder than 18, more like 20, while in addition the consequences of making an error definitely add to the difficulty of the route. Falling on lead means falling back first from an overhang to a landing on very uneven ground covered with broken rock, making serious injury almost a certainty, and there is no pro for the first 3 metres. It's my opinion that the route should be graded more like 22 or even 23 on lead.

The exercise of the day was actually to introduce some of Megan, Tom, Jess, Andrew and Liv's friends to the rock-climbing world, and by all accounts they had a good time. Well done to Sasha and Craig, the first time you climb outdoors is always a little intimidating and I must say I didn't hear any whimpering at all.

Tom also led Shedidit (15), a nice route with a very parallel crack that forces you to make at least one layback move and does not accept a wide range of gear sizes, so you need to be careful with what gear you use, don't you Tom?

 

Oh, and I received complaints from Stu that the last entry (01/04/04) was too verbose, so here's the edited version for you Stu:

Andy's back for 1 week and he's skinny.

Tom tried to kill a little 2yr old girl.

Quang spends hours stretching and is the least flexible out of all of us and wants to get it on with a Dutch Girl.

Adam stuck his finger up Quang's bum.

Megan decked from 2 metres.

Stewy is a bush-fire-starter, and about as well-organised as the Athens Olympic Committee.

It's a sin to name "The Crag That Shall Not Be Named."

There's a new award.

Happy?

 

Thursday April 1 2004

 

April Fool’s Day

(The day Andy started climbing again)

 

Yes, that’s right, Andy’s back and climbing the house down…….. well at least for this week. After not being able to climb through the Summer period, Andy is back climbing with a vengeance! But, not next week. Apparently it’s best to ease back into things so that we don’t wear out those weedy little arms (more on that later). Now, that’s not the reason he gave, but dress it up any way you like Andy, we know the truth. While on the subject of Gimp Version 1.0, I have a few observations that I feel need to be made; Firstly, how many of you are familiar with Superman’s alter ego “Bizarro?” To bring those of you who may not have read as many Superman Comics as me (when I was a CHILD, god, it’s not like I’m some 34 year old geek who still collects comics and leers at the lingerie catalogues in my room all day… well, I don’t read comics anyway) Bizarro was this alternate version of Superman from another dimension who was his complete opposite. Right so back to my point; Now, most of us in the climbing community would much rather spend our time climbing real rock in preference to plastic in a gym, put on weight when we don’t exercise and do not really seek out laybacks when climbing. Not our Andy, oh no! Instead, he waits until we have finished climbing outdoors and returned to the gym (which incidentally, also costs more money) to begin climbing again, loses weight when he doesn’t exercise (hence the weedy arms – and boy wouldn’t the obese members of the community at large wish for that curse?) and bugger me if he doesn’t love climbs that require laybacking? Not only that, but in his spare time, he brews his own beer! Now, be honest, how many of you have friends that brew their own beer and do not have a beer gut the size of a small child? Not Andy he has the figure of one of those waif-like supermodels (which is a bit of a turn-on really). So, here’s my theory: Both Andy and I were given the nickname “Gimp” however for many reasons, it seems to have stuck to me more than it has for Andy, and Andy appears to be the complete opposite of me in very many ways (oh yes, he’s also very smart too, and doesn’t THAT shit me off to the hilt) so therefore I believe that Andy is the Bizarro Gimp! Hmmmm I seem to have ranted a little on that topic, but I’ll be stuffed if I’m going to let 419 words go to waste when we are back climbing in the gym and I don’t really have that much to write about. 462 words now, (not including this sentence which would make it 488 words).

Back to the subject of last night’s climbing, it was at the gym, not out on the rock, yada yada yada… oooo don’t you just hate the way that’s become so popular to say? I mean what does it bloody well mean anyway? I suspect it has Jewish origins, but that’s just conjecture. It’s almost as bad as “blah blah blah blah blah” don’t you just feel like punching someone in the teeth when they say that? I swear the next time…. Oh, sorry, ranting again. (up to 559 though)

Right, climbing last night.

Tom led the black 20 again, although I did notice a little altitude induced colour blindness, but we can probably put that down to honest mistakes. He managed to deck out again, slipping from a hold just below the second bolt, before continuing up the route where he managed to unscrew one of the holds and drop it from a height of 10 metres, almost killing his belayer and a two year-old child in the process! “I noticed it was loose, so I just spun it a few times and it fell off!” was the incredulous explanation. NO SHIT SHERLOCK!

Three hours later Quang (who had arrived at the same time as Tom), finished stretching, warming up and taping every inch of exposed skin and climbed the green 14 on lead as a warm-up, as did Megan.

At this point, Megan is probably thinking that she has managed to get off without anything being said about the way she arrived at the gym, SURPRISE!! No such luck Sideshow Bob! Megan arrived dressed to the nines in her best “power” suit, fresh from fighting the good fight for all the girls out there trying to find their way in the corporate world, but her inner self-shone through in no time with it taking only about 2 minutes (including the walk to and from the ladies room) to go from well-dressed woman-about-town to dag. I am willing to bet that it took a lot longer than two minutes to go the other way that morning, didn’t it Meg?

Quang proved that despite being the only one of us to actually warm up and stretch before climbing that he is the least flexible of the lot by being unable to high-step onto a hold that everyone else who tried it got.

Tom managed to convince Megan to try climbs that she should be able to climb, with words of encouragement like “you should be able to reach that hold just above you,” which would not be so much of a problem if Megan was six foot three inches tall with the arm span of an orang-utan like Tom instead of being five foot eight inches tall with arms like a garden gnome. Tom also managed to drop Megan from a height of about two metres, allowing her to deck out, only to claim “It was all rope stretch!” Yeah right, like we haven’t heard that before!

Adam climbed happily with whoever wanted to play and caused no trouble at all (oh, well, there was that one little incident involving me sticking my finger up Quang’s bum, but that’s not really all my fault, nor anywhere near as bad as it sounds), but somehow ended up finishing the night on the infamous “Mike Hilan Tour.” I was sure that it was my imagination when I kept hearing muffled guffaws after being told “no, you can’t use that hold, you have to use that other one,” but then when hearing confessions like “we didn’t think you’d actually get up that” I’m not so sure that there weren’t some shenanigans going on.

WooHoo! 1060 words!

Finally, Quang got bored of furthering his relationship with the tall blonde Dutch girl when he realised that she was going to take too long to lead the green 14 and potentially deprive him of a Kuay Teow, and told her that she had to come down so he could go because he didn’t want to belay her any more. Treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen huh Quang? You should be ashamed, I hope Angela reads this! Then, when everyone had left the gym, and he knew that we would order a Kuay Teow for him, Quang found an excuse to go back there by ‘accidentally’ leaving his jumper behind. Unfortunately, his little ploy was foiled; when he called the gym to see if his tall blonde friend was still there, they told him that she had left, and so he just asked them to keep his jumper safe until next week (Disclaimer: most of what I have written in the preceding paragraph is unlikely to be true, and more likely to be the result of an over-enthusiastic writer having nothing of any great note to write about).

 On another note, anyone who has studied group dynamics of any sort will know that during the formation process of any group, and as the group develops, the members will devise a set of norms either implicit or explicit that they expect their members to adhere to as a sign of belonging to the group. This paragraph marks the beginning of one of those norms, and it’s an explicit one: From this moment on, the mention of the name of the Crag that Quang and I climbed Terrathea at last Saturday shall incur the penalty of having to buy a beer for the person who first notices the utterance of the name of the Crag That Shall Not Be Named. The beer shall be of the choosing of the person who noticed the transgression (from this moment on referred to as the “Squealer”), and the person responsible for naming the Crag That Shall Not Be Named (heretofore known as the “Blasphemer”) shall at his or her earliest convenience purchase the requested beer without complaint under threat of further penalty.

 Finally, after great deliberation I have decided to announce the introduction of a new award. This award shall be given to any member of the Sandbaggers who makes a suitably precious or self-indulgent remark, showing what a true “mummy’s boy/girl” they really are. In recognition of the truly self-indulgent complaints of Quang when offered nail scissors instead of nail clippers, the award shall be known as the “Nail Clipper Award.” This award shall be added to the Golden Sand Bag Award page which will soon be renamed as the Awards page.

 

Word count: 1543 words, six of which were in complete capitals (I must have been a little aggro this week) and 16 sets of remarks in brackets (THAT’S A LOT!)  <<<not including that last bit.

 Oh yes, and before it slips my mind, it seems that someone was out lighting bushfires this week, weren't they Stewy? Or did someone spring a surprise Presentation on you at the last minute? Just like that surprise PhD that has been dumped on you at the last minute that needs to be done before you move interstate? If only they had given you more notice hey? Like a couple of years or something. Those buggers! Expecting someone to write a whole thesis in a couple of months! heh heh thought you were safe this week didn't you?

The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the truth. This article is a work of fiction and any similarity to actual events or persons living or dead are purely coincidental. That should keep me out of court for a little while huh? God, I have to try to slow down with the vitriol, otherwise I'm going to end up in a serious accident involving a cut rope or something. By the way, my word count is way up by now, it must be close to the 2000 mark by now! Seriously, if you are still reading this, you must be bored, I'm just crapping on now to see how much of this you will read. I'm willing to bet that even though I have just admitted to crapping on you are all still reading though. That's it, it's finished for this week, stop reading so I can stop typing! Wow, now there's a thought to bend your mind! Am I just typing this because you are reading it, or are you reading this just because I am typing it? I wonder who will stop first? And if I stop writing now and you stop reading at the same time, did we just both stop at the same time by coincidence?

  March <<<   >>>May